Seems it's come to an end.

I shall be making new art. Every hour that passes. Something will happen.


I'm glad. A year and a half early? That's not bad. not bad at all.


I hope they bring flowers. I like flowers.

Hello, Lovelies..

Its been a long time.


As is.


Lots of negatives in my life right now.

I've lost a lot of people recently, and I seem to have lost my mother just this past week.
I'm on my own for the first time in my life.

Its not that hard, but I AM scared.

I'm aware of my limits, and of the weakness in my body.

Most of the people in my life I've cared about are long gone. Friends and family alike.
I missed a lot of things in high school, and never had too many friends. Maybe one or two at a time, but never any more.

I was never the unfortunate to be picked last in school, for that I'm glad.
Being good at sports has its perks. (no matter how often one gets hurt in them)

Grace decided she doesn't want to be friends with me.

So the friendship I've had longest has ended, and that chapter in my life has closed.


Despite not getting much sleep, and life pushing me down constantly. I'm trying to not let it bother me.

I'm smiling, and if I'm not genuinely, I can at least pretend I'm happy.

I've been reflecting on my history relationship-wise, and realized there must be something wrong with me that I can't see.


I'm wishing I could make my shut-downs permanent. I wouldn't be able to feel much then, and I'd be as happy as I was in middle-school.


For all I'd like to die, its not time for that yet. I've got three years left to turn things around.

*ponders*


Hokai. Here is where things stand.


In advice:


Listen, but don't always look before you leap.


Looking is good, but listening grants you mroe to know.

Whereas your eyes are hard to define something definite.

So don't merely look. Listen. And THINK before you leap.

If you forget this, then the landing will be much like a bat to the face.



In other things:

Life isn't going the way I would dream.

But whose does?


We are all constantly living someone else's dream.

But, in some ways, this is good for us.

Making others smile is a good way to make your own desires come to fulfilment.

I sometimes miss blogging from my computer.

The dark room was a welcome comfort, where no one could intrude upon my solitude.


Nowadays, I'm learning solitude has no meaning in the real world.

Enjoy the luxury while you have it.



In another thing.


Weather, it is oddly very cold at night in the summer.

Strange for a plains state.



Edits and continuation for a later time.

-Hello Lovely.

I hope to end this bit of Blog soon.

And start a new one.


I've had project ideas, and I mean to work on them.



To Update.

i've been a shell of Anger lately. Who wouldn't be?

When someone tells you, "You're a bitch. And everyone knows it."

If I'm such a bitch, for being tired of being last resort to entertain him?

Then I think he has problems.

He's still a game addict. And he hates me just because I point it out, when all he does all day is play games.


He says the other two are better friends than me.

Figures, since he worms his way into their lives.
And sucks-up to one of them.

Jerk.


I want him to get out.

Stop reminding me I dumped him, stop harping at me at how much better things would be if I was with him again.

At this point, everyone is right. I should just forget he ever existed, when all he does is make me feel bad about myself.


until next time.

I feel so Twisted inside.





All he does is say I've changed. i'm boring.


just because I hate most online games with graphics, does NOT give him a right to insult me about being a gamer.


he called me a slut;


when HE was the one who willingly LEAPT at a girl who offered it to him!


He hates me.

And he refuses to admit it, because he thinks it makes him a good person to lie in my face.

he wont' talk to me.

We ALWAYS do what he wants to do.

And if I want to do something.

It HAS to be video game, or I can sit here, alone. Doing nothing while he refuses.

All he cares about are his games. And any chick he meets who reminds him of me.

He fell in LOVE and was JEALOUS over a 14 year old girl!

FOURTEEN!

HE'S 22!

He hates me.
He lies to me.

All he cares for is himself, and what HE wants.

He won't even come to SEE me in oklahoma! just because he doens't LIKE this state!

he doesn't know SHIT about this state!


He wants me to see hima second time in a row. and move IN with him!!


I'm angry, hurt, upset.

And now he's threatening to kill himself.

Trust me.

I don't think he honestly cares.


He just wants a REAL girl.

He tells me I'm pretty and look nice. LIES.

I'm not BLIND, you think *lying* to me makes me feel good?

wrong.


Anywho.
Life.

Life sucks. And I'm kind of *glad* Alex is seeing life how I do. Though, lately, I've been getting closer to Dustin.

I know nothing will come out of it, he's waiting for another (how sweet!)

And he loves her very much.

Alex. Alex. ALEX.

He's always on my fucking mind.

I'm like, addicted to him.

I need someone *new* someone I can latch on to.
Everyone else is gone.

So who do I have?

A 21 year old guy, who likes to play with girls?

And get feelings for a 14 year old, who I was ending up liking?

Yeah. Great solace.

And His girl, his last one?
He still has feelings for her. No matter how much she hurts me, he stands up for her, and reprimands *me*, when I get upset!

Anywho..I'll edit this more when I get home.

You knowI used to live in a reality.Where things were happy and care-free.Heh...now they berate me and they hate me.Because of what happened to me.It was all so happy, I was blonde and free.then..i don't remember....but some bad things happened to me....people hate me and destroy me....just because of how I am....but why dont' they realize....I am this way by their hands?...I've been pushed into a corner,i've been caged where i cannot escape.All I have to protect me are a rope,and a rusted plate.What am I to do, but to let myself die?No one cares for me, no one listens to me.No one will defend me or let me defend myself...so why am i still clinging..?....why do i want you so bad..?...you never wanted me......you never loved me.....you yelled at me and hurt me....you even left me........and yet......those are only small things.......youe xpect me to remember who....what...and why I am how I am....you say...I'm..no fun anymore.....and that hurts really hard.....you say i'm not the same anymore......I know I have changed.....but I can't remember when or how....all I know is that......I've been left alone......and people yell at me when I mess up.....people hate me....and they hurt me on purpose when I finally get a chance to try and let some of it out......everyone hates it when ~I~ vent out......yet...it is okay for everyone else to journal how they feel and such......but I get told to stop whining....I get told to stop being stupid.....I get told I should just die......well..I'm prepared to do just that..No one would care, and no one would lift their hand.After all, nothing will change, with a horror like me,Gone from this land.